


Coulson's Guide to Retrieving Intel

by Summerfall



Series: Of Serendipity and Stupidity [4]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:06:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29709984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Summerfall/pseuds/Summerfall
Summary: Philip J Coulson has faced down many enemies, terrorists, governmental officials, even aliens. Sometimes, they aren’t even separate individuals.None has frustrated him this much.He should have known better. Nothing connected with Tony Stark was ever easy.
Series: Of Serendipity and Stupidity [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1753135
Kudos: 1





	Coulson's Guide to Retrieving Intel

Philip J Coulson has faced down many enemies, terrorists, governmental officials, even aliens. Sometimes, they aren’t even separate individuals.

None has frustrated him this much.

He should have known better. Nothing connected with Tony Stark was ever easy.

Stark had seemed amenable at their first official meeting, where Coulson had offered him SHIELD’s host of skill sets in an attempt to recruit him, including an alibi accounting for his whereabouts during the fight with Iron Monger.

“Of course, we will also need to cross-check those in your inner circle, Mr. Stark, for security purposes.”

“Right. Because you’re not already reading my e-mails and screening my data.”

“Colonel Rhodes, Ms. Potts, and Mr. Hogan are secured.”

“Oh good, you passed, Rhodey. Bet you were really nervous there for a sec.”

Colonel Rhodes rolled his eyes, despite looking none to please with the invasion. No doubt there’ll be words later on.

“The only red flag is Dr. Ogden. There is information… missing.”

There was an almost imperceptible look exchanged between Stark and Rhodes, before Stark was right back at it. “Did you check under the keyboard? The things that roll down there.”

“What is your relationship between you and Dr. Ogden?”

“She's a blood-sucking fiend who also happens to be my doctor,”

A low whistle came from Colonel Rhodes.

“She’s been in the Middle East for extensive periods of time.”

At this, Stark’s eyes hardened, “For humanitarian work. She’s a good person, Coulson. If you want information, I suggest you speak to her.”

“I’m asking you, Mr. Stark.”

“If there is anything, it’s not my information to give.”

“Even if it puts her in danger?”

A pause. “Still her call.”

Seeing a dead-end, Coulson assured Stark all efforts will go into maintaining his alibi during the conference the next day.

~*~

Stark was never one to stick with the script.

“I am Iron Man.”

So starts Coulson’s headache.

~*~

The emergency room always has a mood of its own. Most days it’s stressed, filled with frantic and panicking people. On the rare occasion, it’s lethargic where the hours drag long, filled with impatient looks and tapping fingers. The patient reflects these days, bouncing off one another until something snaps or fizzles out. Then you have the odd individual who stands out like an anomaly waiting to be examined.

Or in this case, ignored.

He has been standing amongst the chaos for a few hours now, in his plain suit and bland expression, patient and unwavering.

It’s not that Lucy hadn’t noticed him but you don’t stop in the middle of a storm. Eventually, he made his way to her at the nurse’s station, where she had quickly stopped to check the computer for a patient's result.

“Excuse me, Dr. Ogden, I would like to speak to you if you have a moment.”

“About?”

“Tony Stark.”

Oh, for fu - “Google him,” she walked out of earshot but still within the public eye, knowing that he'll follow.

“I need to know the nature of your relationship,”

“Friendly with a side of frustrating, non-existent, and none of your damn business.”

“Not according to our intel,”

“Are you a reporter?”

“No,”

“So you’re a stalker,”

“No. My name is Phil Coulson and I’m an agent of SHIELD.”

“Could have started with that,”

“Would it have helped?”

“No, it’s just courteous.”

“I’m here for a risk assessment,”

“Not interested,”

“It’s not something you get a say in, I’m afraid. Given Mr. Stark’s current status, it’s something we have to take very seriously. For everyone’s protection.”

“Have you spoken to him?”

“Yes, and he directed me to you.”

A pause. “I don’t know what type of information you’re expecting. I’m his physician.”

“Just his physician?”

“And occasional carer,”

“You’re not doing a very good job,”

“Have you met the man?”

A smile. Point taken. Her pager beeped.

Coulson nodded, sensing no more will come to pass. “Thank you for your time.”

As Lucy made her way to bed 14, she suspected this would not be the only meeting she will have with Agent Coulson.

~*~

Sometimes she hates being right.

Lucy finally has a quiet moment to herself - an empty corridor, an unoccupied gurney, a pack of twizzlers and her music. She was about to settle in to make the most of it when -

“Can we continue our conversation?”

With a screech, Lucy tumbled off the gurney in an ungraceful heap, followed by a jumble of words that would make a sailor’s ear bleed.

Phil Coulson stepped out of his shadowy corner. “Sorry I didn’t mean to alarm you,”

“Really?! Dark corner, empty corridor, lone person. You might want to rethink your approach.”

“I do like my shadowy corners,”

“A+ stalker material,” Lucy muttered, picking herself up with as much dignity as possible.

“I’m here to perform a threat assessment,”

“You’re a threat to my sanity,”

“This will continue until I get the answers I need,” He looked mildly serious.

Lucy glanced at her watch, precious minutes of her break ticking away and made a decision. “There’s a call room the next corridor over, let me clean up this mess and I’ll meet you in there. I rather this conversation doesn’t take place in the open.”

Coulson nodded at her acquiescence and made his way to the aforementioned room, while Lucy picked up her snacks and counted down…

Three… two… one…

There was a shriek, a yell and alarmed voices as a red-faced agent quickly made his exit, having just interrupted a private affair.

Lucy’s cackle echoed down the corridor.

~*~

Tony’s glee was palpable through the phone. Rhodey’s long suffering sigh had the opposite effect.

“Judge me all you want. I just want him off my back,”

“He’s just doing his job,” Rhodey said, just as Tony responded with, “But it’s so entertaining,”

“Tones…”

“Platypus,”

An explosion in the background.

“Oh look, there are pirates shooting at me. Excuse me while I go save the world,”

“Sir has vacated the line,”

“Thanks JARVIS,” Lucy said warily, “Look after him, JARVIS,”

“Always,”

“It’s enough dealing with one Stark, can you just play nice?” Rhodey asked.

“I’m a delight to be around,” Rhodey snorted, “You can’t tell me you aren’t bothered about him digging up personal information about you,”

“It’s his job,”

“I’m not comfortable with it,”

“I’m not saying to give him anything but at least try to be nicer?” Rhodey was using his sensible voice.

“I'm not happy with it,”

"You don't have to be but it'll make things easier for all of us."

~*~

Lucy should've known that she would have to pay for the previous incident, but a few weeks passed without incident nor any sign of the agent. She’s not naive enough to think that would be the end of it, but there was a sense of relief.

It had been a very long and very bad day. On top of that, she had bad sushi for lunch, which is currently making a very bad impression on her gut. The burst water main delayed traffic and she was barely holding it in as she raced into her apartment building. She briefly considered the stairs before the elevator rattled to a halt before her. She jabbed the button to her floor multiple times because that always works. The elevator seems to consider her a moment before grudgingly closing the door and making its slow ascent. She was two floors away when everything lurched to a sudden stop. The lights flickered ominously and by God if this wasn’t a horror film.

“No no no no no,” Lucy moaned, stabbing the button furiously.

The emergency phone rang, and Lucy wondered when she got caught in a psycho-thriller film.

Abandoning whatever dignity she has, Lucy picked up the phone on the third ring, “Get me out of here, I need to use the toilet.”

There was a pause, an alarmed one before the speaker cleared their throat. “And I need to speak to you without you running away,”

Lucy curbed her urge to scream and curse, “I think my need outweighs yours,”

“It’s not a competition,”

“No, it’s harassment. Go hound Rhodey, he seems to like you,”

“We have all the information on Colonel Rhodes. You, however, are an unknown,”

“You're about to start knowing me really well if you don’t release this elevator because I will destroy it,”

Silence. Broken by her stomach growling something horrid.

“Was that a threat?”

Lucy groaned. Play nice, Rhodey said. “Agent Coulson, I have many regrets but none more so than what I had for lunch. That was not meant to be a threat but it will be because if you don’t let me go about my business, I will render this elevator unusable and you will never look at me the same way again. Do we have an understanding or will I need to be more descriptive?”

Uncomfortable silence before the elevator lurched upwards again.

“Thank you,” Lucy said with more gratitude than Phil Coulson deserves.

~*~

It was almost a Pavlov reaction now to turn in the opposite direction when she sees Agent Coulson, more to save time than anything. This time, however, something was different. He was seated outside a hospital room, hands clasped and staring at the opposite wall. It wasn't a stare of someone waiting; it was one of focus, of trying to tether oneself less they lose the ground they stand on. Lucy took note of the room number and left. She joined him half an hour later, with a cup of tea which she offered to him.

Nothing needed to be said. Death was no stranger to them even if it came to them in different ways. It doesn't make it any easier. The day that it does, is a day to worry.

They stayed in companionable silence long after their tea went cold.

~*~

There's a shooter in the hospital.

Who Lucy is currently tending to.

With a gun aimed at her and a room full of patients and family, with Coulson standing watch, calm as ever.

True, she hadn't evacuated like the rest of the hospital and had even volunteered her services. But this still sucks.

The shooter hissed in pain. "You sure you don't want any anesthesia?" the ketamine was right next to her.

"No," The shooter said curtly. "Just get the bullet out."

"I can focus better without the gun aimed at me,"

"No."

Lucy sighed and continued her work. The handful of civilians shuffled in the corner and murmured amongst themselves.

"Stop talking," the shooter growled, more due to pain than anything else.

"You can let them go, there's no value in keeping them," Lucy reasoned.

"Collateral damage,"

"You've got me,"

"You are not scared enough," he gave her a once over, "Why aren't you?"

"I'm plenty scared," Lucy admitted, "But I have a duty of care,"

"Do not think your goodwill can spare you,"

"I wouldn't dream of it,"

"That man," he indicates Coulson who is now examining the ceiling, "he does nothing."

"That's not true. He can be very annoying. Be thankful that he's quiet today,"

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say, for the shooter suddenly stood up and limped to Coulson, dripping blood in his wake, and yanked the earpiece out of Coulson's ear, crushing it under his feet. "You're police!"

"Agent Coulson of SHIELD," a smile, very polite as if he had just bumped into a stranger on the street, "and we've just caught your associates," there was a zap and a series of clicks as the shooter twitched and fell.

And just like that, it was over as scores of agents poured through the doors.

Some time must have skipped for when Lucy blinked, Coulson was right before her. "Did you just stop a terrorist with a taser?"

"Much like you were stalling for time when you have already retrieved the bullet,"

"How did you know?"

"You would not have taken as long as you did nor be that talkative,"

Lucy was quietly impressed.

"Serious question though: did you know this was going to happen?"

"The group came to our attention during my frequent visits. Further investigation unveiled parts of their plan, however, we were unaware they were going to use this hospital as a distraction."

"Distraction?"

"To have the media and authorities focussed on the situation here rather than the real plot,"

"Which is?"

Coulson smiled, "Classified."

"Right. Just do me a favour and don't bring any more criminals into the hospital,"

"You'll be happy to hear, Dr. Ogden, that I have completed my assessment. Director Fury may wish to dig deeper but I have done my part."

Lucy frowned, eyes darting back and forth as she searched through her memory banks, "I haven't told you anything,"

"Sometimes words don't mean much,"

"Should I be concerned?"

"Only if you want to be,"

"Have I told you how annoying you lot are?"

"Multiple times," and then, more kindly, "Go get some rest."

~*~

+1

When Coulson entered Stark's workshop, he found an additional guest with him. Lucy laid on a workbench, with Stark's three bots clustered around her.

"I'm not done with the prototype yet but you can still play around with it if you want," Stark said, bent over his own project.

"What is Dr. Ogden doing?"

"Teaching them anatomy," Coulson can practically hear the eye roll.

"Dare I ask why?"

"Because he's incapable of keeping himself out of trouble," Lucy responded, swinging herself up and bopping one of the bots on the arm.

"They're more likely to kill me,"

"Well if you insist on getting yourself killed..."

"I don't keep you around for nothing you know,"

"It's certainly not to keep my sanity,"

"You can only keep something if it was there to begin with. Coulson would know, he's spent enough time with you,"

"That's rude. Is it any wonder the bots would be more likely to kill you. Right, Coulson?"

"Mr. Stark, if I can just grab the report -"

"Not until I know whose side you're on."

This can be a place of torture, Coulson mused, a SHIELD initiative to break the bad guys without getting their hands dirty. Stark's House of Torture. There was a poetic ring to it.

A dismembered rubber hand knocked him out of his planning. "You're zoning us out,"

"Lucy!" Pepper admonished, having just witnessed the attack. "Hello, Phil, are you here to ask Lucy more questions?"

"You said you were done the day I almost got shot, even though for the record, I told you nothing."

"That's correct,"

Tony squinted at him, "You knew before then, didn't you?"

"Excuse me?" the indignation was instantaneous.

Coulson shrugged with an almost bemused look on his face, "I had my suspicions but it was never really about that. Plus, it was entertaining,"

Lucy scowled, "I almost pooped myself in an elevator. And I almost got shot, have I mentioned that?"

Coulson turned to Pepper, "A confirmation wouldn't go amiss."

Pepper suppressed an amused smile. Ever the diplomat, she said, "I'm afraid that is privileged information."

"And you can trust that it will stay that way," Coulson promised.

~*~

Bonus:

Years later...

The Zephyr touched down quietly and a moment later Phil Coulson stepped out, taking in the arid land before him, lights indicating the camp he was searching for.

He avoided the guards at the entrance where their rifles are constantly at the ready and headed towards the eastern wall, where the trees provided some cover.

"Huh, so you're not dead,"

Coulson shifted to find Lucy squinting at the sight before her. She looked worn, fine lines highlighting the stressful nature of her job, silver peeking through the mess of black hair. But she looked healthy and fit and ready to kick his butt if the situation called for it.

"You don't sound surprised,"

"Other than this one-off cryptid message, I'm disappointed that you didn't call... and that I owe Tony $20,"

A shrug, "Circumstances,"

"Yeah, I know, clandestine super-spy stuff. Which gives me the impression this isn't a social call,"

No more small talk then.

"I need to take one of your people,"

Lucy frowned, "One of my...? They are their own people, Coulson. But they are under my care. So no,"

"I'm not asking for permission. There is real danger here,"

A scoff escaped from Lucy, "Take a look around you, Coulson, and say that again." She took a breath, then two, the stress riding high on her shoulders. "These people have suffered enough without someone swooping in to mess further with their lives. They can't fight you, hell some of them might not even survive tomorrow but they do deserve their dignity and what is left of their choice."

"I'm not looking for a fight, doc. You know what I stand for."

"I know, Phil, and you know what I stand for."

"This person is powerful and potentially dangerous,"

"Doesn't matter, still under my care."

Coulson paused as something fell into place, "You already know who it is,"

Daisy made her presence known, "Target approaches, Coulson."

Their eyes zero in on the incoming person of interest. There was a sharp intake of breath from Daisy, echoing the disbelief he felt. Lucy closed her eyes as if willing the whole scenario away. That is until the little girl slipped her hand into Lucy's, eyes searching her face. She tugged her hand away to sign something at the doctor, who responded in kind. Satisfied with the answer, the little girl cast one last look at the agents before returning to camp.

Lucy stared at the agents, her expression carefully blank as she dared them to do what they came here to do. Coulson knows that look, he has seen it on May before and if his gut had anything to say about it, he already knows what has to happen.

"Daisy, head back to the Zephyr,"

"We can protect her," Daisy protested.

"Not what she needs right now," Coulson responded, then to Lucy, "You know what you're getting involved with?"

"Not a clue,"

"That's probably for the best." He handed her a phone. "This utilises satellite technology which can reach me anywhere. Call when you need us. We'll find you."

Lucy pocketed the phone with a dubious look, "That's it? This feels deceptively easy."

"The child clearly needs you more than us right now. I think they all do. We've offloaded some medical and food supplies behind that building. It's not much in the long run but - "

"Thank-you." For a fleeting moment, Lucy's facade crumbled under the weight of gratitude and relief. "And for what it's worth, I'm glad you're not dead,"

Coulson smiled and started to walk away before turning back, "I almost forgot," he threw a packet at her, "I hope you still eat those because I sure don't,"

It was a packet of Twizzlers.

Lucy's delighted laugh followed him back to the Zephyr.

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be a 5+1 structure but it got messy. Thank-you for reading and please stay safe.


End file.
